What else next...

Haven't posted in a while cos schedules has been dead hectic.. phew..

Anyways, was running through my flu today, and trying to fig out what next to do.

2004/5: Make-It-Real (mountaineering)

2006: Graduate from Med School

2007: Spelunking, Diving, Kinabalu Climbathon

2008: WWRafting, Marathons

2009: Skydiving, Ironmans

2010: Multistage AR, Single day AR's

2011: Planning AR's all the way... Single day's, Multi-stages, Multi-days

2012: hmm.... MTB races :) ... and prob try to settle down more

I'll also start to volunteer more too... it was fun, but super tiring, and worse than racing itself. But I think it has its merits :)

Move on!!!

Lost and Insecure...

Lost and insecure.. this phrase keeps popping in my head.. even till now.. started from a song that I had in my PC (no other things to play, office blocked Youtube), well, and soon after, it started to remind me of how life is. We're all insecure in our ways, some insecure in their jobs, others insecure in looking for that other special elusive ONE, and even when you found that ONE, sometimes, insecurities comes in asking whether he/she is really the ONE.

I like psychology, I like human thinking, and I like sparring verbally about it, but the one thing that always stumped me was human feelings. We describe it with words, but how do you describe feelings to a person. MelM says I'm a feeler, which I totally agree upon, as I do use a lot of my feelings to get through things. People who know me well enough will always know, behind my happy and somewhat brave facade, what I feel, which brings me to the first 3 words of this post.

Lost and insecure... that's what I feel now. I've been secured in my place for far too long.. securedly holding my feelings in place, securedly braving through obstacles in one piece, that no matter how busy or worried I am, I stay strong. But sometimes I can feel a crack coming through. Maybe it's due to the stress the past couple of weeks... finding a place, getting a new housemate, moving, work, exams, papers, presentations, and the usual activity stuff, all in the month of June. I somewhat feel drained.... (phew.. lucky semester break is coming... but only one week.. damn...)

But that said, I rediscovered some parts of me that I forgot, like calling my mum when I'm stressed and staying in company of fantastic friends who only want the best for me, but the one that takes the cake is my confidence in going up heights again. I lost that confidence during my skydiving head knocking incident that left me looking like I just came out of a street brawl, but now, I'm looking forward to the thrill of feeling the wind against my face, the ability to move freely and free from being stuck to the ground, and well, just enjoying a superb scenery that only being in the sky can provide.

Living almost up to 3-0 already, the few things I've learnt is that...

"Things and people may come and go, but the experiences and memories stay on. Learn to live and learn to share and learn to give. Sacrifices are worth making only if what you get in return deserves it. Nothing lasts forever... but there is beauty in limitation... "

ohh, and one more

"always tell and show the people you love that you love them... be it family, friends, and even frenemies... ".

Man.. I feel old..

:)

Trudge on, y'all!!!

Busy busy as a bee...

This past week has been a total killer... I've never felt up to my neck in work and training before.. and this week was so dead... but somehow.. I felt happy and glad to do it all.

I'm not perfect, and my time management skills are quite bad (so is my orienteering skills.. haha) but I think i'm getting better at it. One thing I realised is that, no matter how busy I am, I always need time to keep my mind of work and studies and chillax. I don't have any family members and my housemate isn't in all the time, so chillaxing time is not automated to me. So, even relaxing time is a slotted time in my timetable. It's usually before and after training, so I get to relax my mind before refocusing on my runs/bikes.

Another thing I do alot is studying while I'm on my bike trainer. Hey, there's no better time to force myself to read then when I'm riding stationary.. but this gets kinda boring after a while.. and then I switch the TV on.. oh well.. at least I usually manage to read 1-2 chapters of Project Mangement in my textbook while on the bike.

Hmm.. another thing I compromised alot this week was SLEEP. Just to cover all the work, I've only had about 4hours of sleep a day.. and it's tiring. I know, I know.. I need more rest.. and it's really evident when I try to run, but don't feel as relaxed and strong as I should be. But then, with so many things going on... it's hard to force myself to rest. Maybe the trip to Siem Reap in another weeks' time will give me a chance to unwind.

The one thing I missed this whole week and always try to keep up with was talking and chatting to all my friends, whether on the phone or online. I hope those who tried to message me will forgive me when I don't reply cos I'm usually zzz-ing by then on my Mac. It's just been that kind of week for me :) but somehow, I think, this week gives me more perspective of what I want to do and how to do it, then any other weeks so far. :)

So to all, and especially Ivy, .. work is not always easy, but it's all worth it if you learn and do something you like in the end... :)

Trudge on..

Things I did this year..

Before the old year ends, and the new one begins anew.. here's the finalised list for 2009.. haha

1. Finished 2 Ironmans (DNF-ed one though) .. My first ever was in IM Langkawi, and the second was IM Western Australia...

2. Skydived - tandem and solo (with multiple injuries during the solos)

http://lalaneedsalife.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-skydiving-vid.html
Wanna go back again in 2010 if I can find the time and resources.

3. Visited 2 new continents (North America and Down Under Australia)

DisneyLand in Florida, USA

Bell Tower in Perth

4. Did my first Duathlon - RAW duathlon.. yes, I did a tri before a duo.. so it's a new experience to me

5. White water Raft-ed in Singor (grade 5 river) and Whitewater Kayak-ed in Tanjong Malim

6. Did 2 trail runs - TNF 100 duo and GTB back to back

After finishing TNF100... tiredzz

At the end of Genting Trailblazer

7. Went up to Genting THRICE... but only gambled once

First time was for the wind tunnel with unker for about 45 minutes, altogether, then went back. Had nice Nasi Lemak though..

Second time was with the gurls in KL... the only time I gambled.. So far in my life, only gambled twice in Genting Highlands

Posing in front of the Ferrari...

And the third time was during the trailblazer iwth BK... cold...

8. Gg back to school and paying for it myself... Currently doing a Grad Cert in Medical Informatics.. plan to extend to Masters later on

9. Started doing crazy things before, during and after races - the "crawl" and the "teh tarik" finishing at KL marathon

BK doing the Gollum... on a hill

BK doing the VISA dance at km ... 35 la... abuden..

10. Gg to Kuching a few times to visit couz and wifey.. and eating all the food there.. haha.. really a food capital of Malaysia


I had an amazing year and well.. an amazing time. There were many accomplishments, as there were failures. This was a year I really tested my limits on many occasions, and have learnt a lot from. The best accomplishment was making lotsa new and amazing friends, and some even more than just friends. Life is just amazing, ain't it? There are times of laughter and joy, sadness and anger, nervousness and uncertainties, and yet, when I look back, I dun regret going through it all. The greatest adventure is life and being alive, and the greatest of them all has yet to come.

A Merry Xmas and a Great and Amazing New Year to all out there, to those I know, and to those I have yet to know better :). May God blessed you all with the amazing ups and downs of life, as He has blessed me with his grace.

Trudge on, dun give up in watever u do as getting up again is actually 2/3's of the fun :)..

I Love my live, don't u? I'd like to hear more from whomever out there what they plan to do next year :).. and pray that you all accomplish it.. hehe..

PS. will upload the OZ entries later when I got time.

My past... and the future..

Hmm.. a lot of people have asked me numerous times.. why am I still single? And I used to get the perpetual nagging from my mum about finding "The One" everytime I called home.. till i threatened never to call or go home again if that is the only thing she will ever talked to me about, and it worked.. hehe.. but anyways....

My close friends who knows my past will know my whole story and how far I've come. It was a mistake from the start, somehow, I knew it, but yet... I played along, ignoring every single sign warning me. I also ignored my intuition, that I trusted all the while and that I "believed" that everthing was going to be fine.

I put everything I was into it, and lost myself. It took me a week to stop crying when I wake up, when I was alone in the my clinic room, at night before I sleep, two weeks before I was able to sleep without drinking myself till I was pissed, a month to start smiling again and a year to rediscover who I was.. but only a few months ago to say that it was finally over.

Yes.. it took me that long, but it was because I am who I am.. and that I am passionate in whatever I do, and I believe that to do anything in life, I must give all I have. And that is who I'll always be... I am serious when I am with others cos I dun like to hurt their feelings... I am like my mum, strong for others on the outside, but soft in the inside. Hurting others hurts me more...

For now, work and studies and training supercedes everything else.. and those are now my priorities, right below family and close friends. Which is the main reason actually that I wanna take a break from racing next year.. so I can focus on other things in life... :) .. I'm sure my mum will be happy to hear tt.. till I tell her that I wanna spend more time on diving (scuba and sky) next year too.... hehe

Hmm.. many wonders await me next year.. I can just feel it in my bones... and I am all looking forward to it :)

Trudge on...

Why do I run?...

Sometimes I wonder about that too.. especially when I'm down, tired and all I wanna do is just sleep, rest, slack, watch TV, read a book, finish some leftover work.. etc etc etc and all other excuses I can think of for myself. Well.. here's the whole story of my relationship with running...

I did not have a very sporty childhood... adventurous maybe, but definitely not sporty. Growing up in Malaysia, I was very much focused on the quest for knowledge (physics, and sociology mainly) and was always kept in the house cos my mum would worry alot if I were to go out alone (till now, if I go back to Ipoh, my brother HAS to accompany me wherever I go). So that quells my interest in sports already.

When I came to Singapore, things change. I had independance, I had freedom, and I had to choose. Although I love studying (and till now I still do, but NOT medicine), I wanted to be healthy and look good. Yes.. I was actually vain and wanted to look good - fit that is.. not girly vain with makeup and nice clothes... but fit. I learned from med sch that no one else is responsible for my health and it is up to me alone to make sure I am healthy. So, in M1 itself, I took a step back from the books and started to exercise. I started out with running.. easy ma.. just wear shoes and voila... all set to run.

The first few weeks were horrendous. I keep asking myself.. why am I torturing myself when all the other medical students were busy mugging their texts.. trying to outdo each other in class. But then, I reminded myself that what I am doing is for myself and that.. well.. I dun need to be kiasu to pass med school.. haha.. so I persevered. And soon, it become easy, it became part of my life, .. and now it's part of me.

There were times when I stopped - vacays, Ipoh times (still now allowed out ma) exams, HO-ship .. but I always returned to running. I did gym work for a bit, but I stuck to running. Longest ever I stopped running was about one week .. during vacations. I don't care how slow I am when I restart after all that stops, as so long I restarted, I can always get back to where I left of. And I think that's the main reason why I can never see my self as a professional/ elite runner.. I run for the fun of it and I don't want to be stressed out over missing training, or lazy to wake up in the morning excuse, or that I want running to a part of my life, where the other parts include other stuff I like too... and have time for.. like triathlons, travelling, etc etc

And now, I am at peace with running, it gives me my "alone" time, my "running friends" time, my "encourage others to run" time, but most of all, it makes me happy and glad that I can alw catch my bus without huffing and puffing after. Hehe...

I guess, this is running what is to me.. Indeed, I still look in the mirror and comment about my body still here and there.. but I dun take it seriously about how I look, rather how much better that I look now that I am finally fit-looking :) .

So to all my new running friends.. continue running and make it part of your life.. It's really great and fun.. But if u think running is not for you, dun stop looking for what sport makes u happy.. just get a move on and live a healthy life :)

And trudge on...

And I should continue with my studying...

Reading the fine prints....

Over the weekend, 3 sad deaths happened in 3 different races in both Malaysia and Singapore. One was not really related to the participants in the race, so I shall not comment of that here. For the other two... there can be lessons to be learnt...

Case 1:

The first death was a newbie triathlete who was doing the swim part of the OD in a relay team. He was fairly fit, according to the newspaper, with a few weeks of pool training prior to the event. With no Open Water Swim beforehand, he jumped into the ever ravenous nd dirty waters of ECP.... and this was a BIG mistake. He was later found disorientated by the rescuers and was brought to shore. CPR was administered, but he failed to revive.

Lesson here : Pool swim does not = to Open water swim. Open water swim is not for the faint-hearted. In open water swim, you'd have maybe a few hundred ppl swimming around you, above you, next to you, and who knows, even under you when u lap someone. No one knows whats happening and who's beside them unless they stop and look around, and no.. not many ppl will do that.

------ > Hence in an open water swim, do expect to get knee-d, elbow-ed, kicked, ur head slammed in the water and have bruises everywhere... In my last race, someone kicked my jaw until it was stuck... had to stop and pushed it back as I couldn't open my mouth. And no, the person did not stop to say sorry, and I did not expect him to.

SO..... THERE IS NO POLITENESS IN OPEN WATER SWIM and DON"T EXPECT ANY OF IT...

To mitigate the scariness of it, pls do ur homework and do a few swims in open water. Join the swimming clinics to get the feel of the water and situation if u're new. And if u really feel like u dun want/can't continue, do stop. A race is a race, and there will always be another one. After all, we're doing this race to have fun, don't endanger urself over it.

Case 2:
This I'm not too sure the COD, but early news could be due to dehydration. But nvm.. here's the lowdown.. After a 10k run in KL, a runner was missing and later found dead in the rubbish dumps. He finished the race, but no one knew what happened to him after that. This was his first ever race So far, the authorities queried dehydration.. so let's talk about that.

Nutrition and hydration is a vital in all races. Easiest and most basic rule : If u sweat alot, drink more. Don't wait till u're dry in the mouth to drink. My own personal rule: I'd drink whenever I dun feel any more fluid in my tummy... in other words, when I dun feel any sluish sensation anymore. This makes sure that I remain hydrated but not bloated in a race. It works for me, but may not work for u, so test it out on the long runs to see what u can and cannot take.

On that note, do remember that sweat consists of both salt and water, so salt replacement is equally important as water. Drink too much without proper replacement, and you'd get hyponatremia and die. However, a little extra salt won't kill you, so I usually take more salt than needed (ever since having both thigh cramps in Langkawi during the bike leg). You'd know u're salt deprived when ur sweat is not salty... so by then... stop and by all means, take a salt replacement.... at that stage, ur body is saving all the salt for itself, lose anymore, and you could be at danger zone.

These are 2 impt lessons to be learnt for both amateur, and veteran atheletes who sometimes still get it wrong (even me). Racing is fun, its exciting, but it doesn't mean its danger-free. That said, keep on exercising and racing as it reaps benefits to you and you alone that no one else can help you achieve. Just BE CAREFUL when u're out there and always listen to your body and keep having fun racing!!

Trudge on...

Races Hall of Fame

Races done so far... as you can see... admittedly, I have not gotten over my jet lag..

2006
Standard Chartered Marathon Singapore

2007
Mt Kinabalu Climbathon - managed to go up in 3:30, but died on the way down
Shape Run
GE 10k Run
Standard Chartered Marathon Singapore

2008
Pacesetters 30km KL
Ambank KL Marathon
Shape Run
Adidas 84k Ultramarathon – stopped at 54km
OSIM OD triathlon
AVIVA Half IM Singapore
Genting Trailblazers
Standard Chartered Marathon Singapore

2009
SGRunners Banana Relay Run
IM Langkawi
AVIVA Half IM Singapore
IM China – DNF!!!
RAW duathlon – with a bad bad flu

To come later this year:
MR 25 MacRitchie Marathon (finished half!!)
KL Marathon (finished with the Crawl - 5:08)
Desaru Long Distance Triathlon (6:10 with 1 mth of training)

Shape Run (finished 55mins after a 10km run to the start)

SBR&AHM (used Joseph's bib - fin 2:09 with a 10k run to the start)

TNF 100 (with BK) - (fin in 8 hrs+)

GE 10k Run - not doing as same day as Trailblazers
Genting Trailblazer

Mt Kinabalu Climbathon - no doing, decided to do TNF100 with BK

Powerman Malaysia

Penang Bridge – Half Marathon

IMWA!!!

Trudge on...

My Running Shoes Hall Of Fame..

I think I made the fellows at Queensway Shopping Plaza very very rich..

1. Asics Kayano x 3 (I think... )
2. Asics Cumulus
3. Asics Nimbus x 2
4. Nike Vomero 2+ x 2 (wore one pair for SCM 2008)
5. Zoots Ultra
6. *Newton trainers x 1
7. Newton racers x 1
8. *Nike Free Everyday
9. *K Swiss Kona (got from IMChina 2009)
10 Saucony sth
11. Brooks sth
12. North Face Arnuva Boa (wore this for Kinabalu Climbathon 2007 and Mulu 2008)
13. *Adidas Response Trail
14. *Nike Luna racers (wore for the cycling and running portion of IMLangkawi 2009)

15. Nike Zoom Starts

16. Nike Frees 5.0

17. Nike LunarGlides

18. Vibram 5fingers

Altogether : 18 pairs in total.. hmm..

*current shoes

The people I'll remember forever...

I've met a lot of people in my life and my line of work, but there are some that are forever etched in my mind. So this post is dedicated to them, the people I met for only a short while, but changed my perspective in life.. and probably made it a bit fuller as well....

1. The guy I met while I was in the Blood Bank who gave me hope that patients do remember me :). He came to donate blood, but surprised me when he asked... "aren't u the doc who delivered my son?" ... I didn't do that many deliveries, but I was quite surprised he remembered the nameless HO who assisted in the delivery even after a year after the delivery. Thank you :)

2. The old man who made me realise that no matter what or who I am, I can only do so much. He came in for joint pains, but was later diagnosed with end stage cancer. He led a healthy life until then, but there was nothing I can do... except just being there for him. Being strong is not easy to do, but sometimes, it is the only thing you can do.

3. The lady at A&E who held my hand while the doctor did a painful emergency procedure on her. I was an eager medical student there who wanted to grab a look and participate in it. But when I looked into her eyes.. she needed someone to hold her, not just look. So I stood there and held her hands tight.. Learning sth not only comes in books and classes and it's not only for knowledge enrichment, but also in life experiences with others, and sometimes its the others that teaches you more.

4. The 84 year old lady, who taught me to slow down in my life, but never stop looking sexy and adventuring around the world... walking her to the library was all my pleasure, as she turned out to be one of the most chatty person ever.

5. The lady with cancer, but still wanted to hold off therapy until after giving birth. No other love can stare death in the eyes except that of the love of a parent to his/her child.

6. The small kid with an incurable disease, but never stopped smiling. Bravery comes in all sorts of packages.. and it comes in making other ppl at ease even in difficult situations.

:)

Trudge on....

Pondering.....

Part One:
Fleeting moments, but memories forever… that was running through my head while Joshua Radin’s Winter was playing in the background. I never notice how fast time flies, as my time was always filled amazing friends, my loving family, and wonderful experiences. I remember the exact same time, date, last year when I was surrounded with supportive friends and family, who held me up when I felt there was no tomorrow. The following months were rough as I slowly worked my way up to becoming who I was again. True, times were not always good… but it is through having bad times that we learn how lucky we are, how blessed we are, under His guidance that we all gain the strength to continue living, and for that I give thanks, for another great year He has given me and to all my friends and family who made me feel special all the time

Part Two:
I always ponder, what is the meaning to life?... Well, so far the best answer I could ever figure is that : life is what you make of it. To an artist, it is his art. To an athlete, it is to ever improve his performance. To a dedicated doctor, it is to save his patient’s life. To a mother, it is her child, and to the child… it is his/her parents. Not everyone has the same thing to live for, nor the same way they want to lead their lives. It is unique as their fingerprint, but that’s the miracle of God’s creation, (hehe… to Pris) and no one can ever take the place of another. That’s why everyone is special to me.. and that’s one reason buying presents can take me days.. months.. cos there’s one special present which can only be for each one person… that’s how special everyone is to me :)

Part Three:
Can’t think of what else to write, but things alw come in three… :P

So..trudge on… make a resolution to know that you are special… and keep it

The Bucket List..and growing

1. Become a Divemaster
2. Go diving in Sipadan / Maldives / Bali / Great Barrier Reef
3. Caving in Mulu (DONE 2008)
4. Climb Kinabalu via Ferrata
5. Do the Kinabalu Climbathon (DONE 2007)
6. Go Bungee-jumping
7. Get an AFF skydiving license (taking still... hopefully can complete by 04/09)
8. Go BASE jumping
9. Climb a ice-cap mountain (DONE – MIR4 Island Peak)
10. Finish a triathlon (DONE – 2008 OSIM OD)
11. Finish a Ironman triathlon (DONE _ Langkawi Ironman 28/02/2009)
12. Own a CERVELO/TREK/FELT bike (DONE May 2008)
13. Go to the South Pole/ North Pole
14. Watch an Aurora Borealis
15. Travel around Europe (DONE – 2001 Contiki)
16. Travel around Africa
17. Travel to Israel
18. Travel to Japan
19. Finish a marathon (DONE – 2005 SCM)
20. Finish an Ultra-marathon (DONE –54km ADIDAS)
21. Go white water rafting (DONE – x4)
22. Rockclimb in Krabi
23. Be at a LIVE volcano errupting
24. Win at Genting Highland (DONE RM25,then lost it all)
25. Become a croupier
26. Learn bartending
27. Appear on TV (DONE – 2004)
28. Appear on Newspaper (DONE – 1999, 2004)
29. Buy a Swiss watch in Switzerland(DONE–2001(lost in 2006))
30. Own a LV bag (DONE 29/08/08)
31. Own a Coach Bag (DONE 2008 May)
32. Own a Apple computer (DONE 2007)
33. Own a Hermes scarf
34. Eat Escargot (DONE – 2001, Paris)
35. Finish a bottle of Vodka (DONE – 2007)
36. Try Bolinger’s champagne (DONE 29/08/08)
37. Try absinthe (DONE - 2008)
38. Get a hangover (DONE – 2007)
39. Learn Salsa
40. Learn Yoga (DONE - taking classes 07/09)
41. Go for a facial (DONE - 06/08/10)
42. Go for a manicure
43. Go for a pedicure - (DONE - 15/11/08)
44. Go for a full body wax session
45. Wear a kimono (DONE – yukata – 2003)
46. Take picture in the middle of a busy road (DONE 2006 Dec)
47. Learn a musical instrument (DONE – violin 1996)
48. Read LOTR (DONE - 1996)
49. Read the Bible (DONE –cant remember when)
50. Read the Torah

The Gmail revolution...

OK, OK.. I'm one big fan of GMail. Had it ever since it was released, it was and still is my preferred webmail of choice. It's brainless to use and easily accessible from anywhere that has an internet connection. Plus, with the ever expanding storage space (dunno how in the world they do that), gmail seems to be the only email I'll probably ever need.

Was going through some emails (yes, my job now requires me to check my emails almost every hr or so) when I clicked on the link - oldest. It brought me all the way back 5,000 emails (hey, with unlimited storage, no reason to throw anything away, right), and voila, I'm back in time to when I was in M4 (fourth year med stu). Wow...din know I had gmail back then already. Those were the time when I was in the NUS mountaineering group aka Make-It-Real. Gmail was flooded with sponsor emailing, training emails.. pics and photos of mountains, all the way up to the trip planning itself. Then came the M5 final MBBS exams email lists... where we shared the tears and laughters of the exam cases. It was quite scaree back then, when you'd read each and every detail of the candidates kan-cheongness and despair during the exams. Letters of encouragement brought back the togetherness my classmates and I had weeks before the finals, all reading till the early lights of dawn outside medical library. Back then, I used to read till 3-4am in the morning, and even stayed over a few times, so much so that the security guards got used to us.

Then it was the pre HO emails, where all the orientation emails came uo. Can't imagine still, between exams and real HO work, we only had 3-4 wks of rest.... that after 5 yrs of torture. Ahh..those were really the days...

Then it was... oops....enough daydreaming already..back to work.. hehe... well, at least I'll have sth to do tonight other than training.. time to look at old photos too..

:)

well trudge on ppl.. life is suppose to be good after all.. :)

Life...

Life, a question many has pondered to but nil satisfactory answers to it. I'm sure everyone has, at one point or another asked themselves, what is the meaning of life. No one is ever happy with life all the time, and vice versa, but sometimes, I wonder, what keeps us wanting to go on, wanting to move on, and more importantly.. is it in the direction we all want it to move in?

Living in itself, is the biggest adventure of a lifetime. That's one thing I am hundred percent sure of. There's no other greatest sadness in life than to lose a loved one, and no other greatest happiness in life than to see someone you love happy. Or no better sense of achievement than when you succeed in something. And yet, as humans, we are never contented, we always have desires, and either hide it deep down to never surface up, or try to find someway to fulfill them. Weirdest of all, is that when we finally truly have something we want, we tend to find someway to "sabo" it, just to prove that we are not worth it. Ever have that "what if" thoughts, before doing something? Why then do we ever consider both sides of the coins before going ahead with anything in life? Hmm.. so, then, what do we truly want if we keep thinking we're going to fail?

Life is full of hesitations, doubts, and yet we all continue living, so do we live in a big lie after all? Sometimes, or most of the time, sadly, I do feel like I'm living a life full of lies, and that it's hard for me to be free, and be myself. I try hard to impress others, but when I ask myself if it really is what I want, I usually come up with a "no". The past few crazy trips and adventures (and other life experiences) have really taught me well enough to finally realise what I want in life.. and am now not afraid to go out and get them. I'm not afraid of changes anymore, cos it is part of living and is actually the biggest part of this adventure called "life". It's hard to handle failures at times, but I'd rather handle it face on than to think about failing before I even do it. So to any of you out there wondering where I actually got all this craaazy ideas to do craaazy things.. it's more because I don't think of the end where I fail, it's more because I dream of what will happen when I succeed, and I guess, that's where I get more energy to do more and more things :) Life in itself sux, big time, .... but you know what ;) , being alive takes the cake of being the most interesting adventure there is....

So to all out there, who needs the extra push to move on in this non-celebratory part of the year (where there is no Xmas, CNY angpows, New Year's party, etc etc etc), trudge on.. and always try new adventure there are in life.. it never stops, and so shouldn't you...

Anyways, anyone up for Rafting this June?

A poem to all who have loved and lost...

My poor little heart aches still,
For the one Love I can never feel,
As the tears roll down my cheeks,
My thoughts goes to my beloved, wherever he may be.

I pray, I beg, I asked for the Lord’s mercy,
To let my little heart be free,
And let all the sorrow float away,
Yet, somehow, all these feelings cannot be swayed,
Apart from what it still wants to stay.

Pray tell, why it still hurts,
Pray, pls let the love go away,
Pray let the hole in my heart disappear,
And let happiness in my life again to reappear.

For one day, if my life I do partake,
I wish only happiness for my beloved one,
And forever he be blessed with whatever he may want
For him, my heart will never forget,
And to him, my soul will always be attached…

Languages... and their barriers..

Currently having no patients in my clinic, so decided to blog maybe the last post before we moved into the year of the rat (Yes people... babies in 2008 are now known as rat-tat-tou-ies). Ok, before I start on rat jokes.. Here's the deal..I'm sure everyone have encountered language barriers before, be it at work, or out of work. To me, being bilingual, helped me in the sense that I can speak Malay to the Malay patients, but I can't communicate with the Chinese only speaking patients (including all the dialects). Simple Chinese, be it Hokkien, Cantonese, Foochow.... maybe a speck of Hainanese I can make out throughout the years of medical school.. but when the people start to go off-tangent to tell me about their life stories...hm... a simple smile and nod is what they'll get out of me.. and somehow, sometimes it doesn't work even if from the start that you tell them you don't understand Chinese. I don't blame them though, some of the patients I see are more interested in telling me about their sons, daughters.. etc etc etc rather than the problems they came to see me for (or even worse, tell me about their blood pressure, diabetes... when I'm only seeing them for their sport injuries). Sometimes I feel like I'm their outward venue for venting.. even if I don't understand a word they say. Weird, huh?.. how some professions automatically makes you the "it" man for everything. Do this kinda stuff happen to others as well? That I wanna know. Like when you tell someone you're an engineer, do people start telling you about the car problem they had, even though you're an electrical engineer... hmm...or better yet, they tell you they had a car problem in Bangladeshi when you clearly do not understand a word they say :). hahahah.. that reminds of the time I had to examine a Bangladeshi patient, and the only thing I undestood was "amama, amama..." - his clear expression that he had pain when I was pressing over the pained area. Then when nearing the painful area again, it changed to "apapa, apapa...." hehehe...

I think the only time someone really irritated me was at 4am in the morning, and I was on call. I was sleepy, toilet deprived, with sore legs from thigh to toe, and hungry. I told the patient that I do not understand Chinese... and proceeded to questioning him since he understood sufficient English to answer my questions to keep him alive for the rest of the morning. I got quite pissed of when he asked me incessantly why I don't speak Chinese... am I from a baba clan? how come I "never" learn Chinese? Am I from overseas?.. I was almost at my wits end already and raised my voice at him. I think he was quite dissatisfied with me, but at 4am in the morning, clocking almost 21 hrs with no sleep or rest, that was the last thing on my mind... so I just shrugged off the matter, and disappeared to do the next nurse's bidding.. Hmm... moral of the story: don't piss anybody off at 12 to 6 am in the morning... no one likes to work without enough rest or sleep.. oh, and another thing, pls learn sufficiently enough of the most used language to have a proper conversation in the country you are about to live in. Translators are everywhere at times, but not when you need them urgently. :)

So.. to all, a Very Happy Chinese New Year!! have a very ratty year ahead...

trudge on..

Love....

Wow...fast....even before we celebrate CNY, here's a post on Valentine's day already..hehe.. its not cos I'm love hungry or anything, but just so happened I got invited to a friend's wedding that got me thinking... why do some marriages fail while some other do so well...

For me, getting married sounds like a chore, it's more like something you do to make your relatives happy (or jealous) and to put mum and dad at ease. But, then again, I've always harbored this little childhood wish to walk down the aisle in a flowing white gown and at the end of it, looking at my future husband to be, how handsome he'll be and how reassuring he'll make me feel in front of everyone. But, that's just the first part of marriage, isn't it? After the honeymoon is over, things start to get a bit touchy. This is where some say that marriage is the biggest sign of commitment that a couple can ever have. It's not easy to be with only one person for the rest of your entire life.. which is very very long indeed... Even I find it hard to imagine that for the next 50-60yrs, I'll only be commited to one person, and one person only. That person will have to be my emotional support, and I, his... I'll have to put up with his crankiness... eccentricity... mood swings...etc etc etc.. wow...that can be a really big pill to swallow.. but, that was before I factor in real love into the equation..

So far, in my short and sad existance, I'm actually glad that I had a chance to feel what real love is, and thankful for it though it ended in an abrupt manner. Only now do I understand how some really succesful and happy couple can stand each other for eons before and eons to come. If you trully love someone, you would change for that person, and never expect that person to change for you. Succesful marriages have all this in common. Both the husband and wife adapt to each other, take interests in each others life, while never forcing the other to change for them. Any arguments were solved in a sort of rational manner, with both giving in into each other (maybe not in the same fight). Okay, I may not be married, but I do realised that I did changed a lot when I was in love.. a hell lot. I pushed away a lot of what I wanted to do and accomplish to adapt to the other person, spent a lot of my time trying to figure out what he wanted in life, and then trying my best to support him in any way I can. It worked out in a way, in the sense that I could feel him doing the same... then, when it ended, and I was working my way back to being by myself again .. it hit me that I really changed almost my whole life schedule, just to be with him.. amazing what love can do to a person.. and I guess that's what a marriage is really about. It's not about commitment in the end, I guess. It's really about falling way too deep into love, and with it comes commitment, passion, trust,.... bla bla bla...everything that is muttered in a wedding vow. When you're that deep in love, your spouse can do no wrong (unless judged by the court of law) cos you'll change yourself for him/her, and you'll learn to live with it. :) So for now... to Rahizan and Adlin... Congrats on your marriage!!!... I'm sure you'll be happy together cos you both love each other sooo much... :) Will be there at your wedding, so book me a seat, ok? And to all those out there celebrating the upcoming V-day.. think about how much you've changed since coupling up, cos to me, that's the greatest gift you can give to the person you love and best of all, this gift can only grow and make the both of you feel closer...

Happy Valentine's day on Feb 14th !!!

PS... Will try to link other blogs up.... still learning to use blogspot...

Time flies..

Phew... its gonna be Chinese New Year already... that was fast, really really fast... In a blink of an eye, we moved from xmas, to New Year (english one) then Chinese New Year... I'm not too sure if the Indians celebrated theirs in the midst of all this, but in the less than 3 months since Jan 1st, more than half of the population of the world would have celebrated their New Year's, including the Muslim population with their Awal Muharram. Interesting thought, huh? heheh...before I start shooting off the wrong path, this entry will NOT be about New Year's Resolutions.... tried that trick for many years now, and the only thing I have to show for it was that I HAD a resolution . :).. no no no no no , this entry will be about how fast time fly, and really, how much I can actually crap before finally reaching my point..

Ever notice how you get from point A to point C without passing over point B... hey, some even bypass everything and hit point H, L, Z even before it hits them in their face. Really, this happened to me last week.. Started out with a quiet Monday after the Sunday's race.. Okay.. make new training programme to include more swimming this time (thanks Chai for the swimming tips). Reached home the usual time around 6pm, and started off swimming.. then went for a short run... Came back, chatted online, sleep... - Chcked... Monday over... then Tuesday... repeated what I did on Monday, but started earlier at 6am cos of the lecture at 7.30 am at SSC... chcked - Tuesday over... Wed??? Busy preparing for my presentation on Friday... then ran at night... Wed- over.... darn... so fast and half the week has disappeared... next Thursday - swam at night, reread through presentation... Thurs - over again... Finally Friday - did THE presentation... :)... not too shabby...TGIF TGIF running through my head... phew...can rest in the weekend..Sat - ran and blade in ECP - got sunburnt.. then shopping with Jerry in the evening , bye bye Sat... and finally Sun - slept in and watched DGrayMan - nice anime, btw,... and ran at night... ta da... one week over... whoa... what just happened??!! My life in a nutshell!!? Am I doomed to relive this over and over again??... hahahaha.... it really just hit me how fast time is flying.... this and the fact that my gym trainer, Edmund, reminded me that to finish the Ultramarathon in May, I'll prob need to to run a 42-50km long trail at least once a week... but still...

Imagine you have only one day to live (sounds cliche, ya) and in that one day, you get to do anything you want to do.... what will it be? I realised that if that were to ever happen, I wanna spend my time with the people I love... be it my family, my friends, or whoever it is that has even the slightest impact in my life...and you know what... in that one week in my life...probably only 10-20% was spent doing what I just said (mainly cos family all in Ipoh for now). I need a change, and I'll start with the upcoming CNY... time to head home after many years of abscence... :) .. so I hope to see all the Ipoh-ans when I'm back there.... except mebbe Ivy, which I'll probably see again soon, knowing how much I love KL as well... so to all out there, sometimes life throw us non-stop oppurtunities, sometimes it just gives up heaps of trouble... take a look back in that one week that just passed... and ask yourself.. if I have only one day to live, what will I do?.. you'll realise what matters most to you... and sometimes, hitting each and every point in your life is a good thing, although it just takes a longer time to reach there...

so trudge on, my friends..

haha....just realised this is another crap blog insert of mine... :P

Ambitions...

Ambitions.. something we used to have when we were young, but somewhere along the way it gets skewed with reality. I've known people who had, all their lives have only wanted to be an engineer, but ended up doing something else- life sciences research - in the end. I've also known some who have always wanted to be a doctor, but ended up hating the job once they're stuck with it. The noble idea of altruistically helping someone else gets mixed up with the reality of hopelessness, that the only thing in mind is to finish up and go home at the end of the day. How about those that never had a fixed ambition. The ones that changes their answer everytime you ask them what they wanted to be.. I was one of them...

I've fancied history - anthropology, sociology - more than medicine itself. Was always into the way things work, the fundamental ideas that govern the laws of the world, and never had a problem with maths, hence physics was fun to me. I liked to work with my hands and was ever so eager to unscrew watches, plug equipments up... just to see how it works.. Can never draw but loved to write, stories, poems,....whatever that tickles my interest then. Arguing is fun, when it is to prove a point (hate to argue over minor matters, feels that its a total waste of time) ... so a lawyer maybe? How about my love for the outdoors... love trekking, breathing in fresh clean air only accesible way out from the big cities... so where does all this put me?... Am I in the right profession? Helping people - check. Learning about how amazing the human body is - check. But listening to others whine about their day - cancel that check. Trying my best to cheer them up after a bad day only to get complaints later on - cancel another check. Or how about working nonstop for 2 days without lunch, dinner, breakfast, toilet breaks, sleep, etc etc etc..only to have people complain against me, piling more work on me - hmm.... don't know what to say already. For now, life is good where I am, but will it remain so in the next few months?

Hmm.. this has been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks as the next posting selection process is going to close in another 2 weeks time. In the long term, I don't think I'll stay on after my bond (just another 5 yrs), as I need to feel free again. That's the only thing that I'm very sure of myself, that I need to be free. Who knows, maybe by then I would find the right person to give myself to, or I might be travelling and enjoying the highlights of the world that God has created (free-thinker, btw) :)... Life changes all the time, sometimes for the worse, other times it gets better. In the end, it's not what you wanted in the beginning that counts, its not what you get in the end that really matters, its about what you learned about yourself in the journey of it all. It's how you adapt to the changes, (or for some, it's how you make the changes adapt to you) and finally how you affect others. So, for now, I'll just suck it all in and stick with my life. It'll move along, and I'll be the star in my life (or till I find some sad poor soul to share it with)....
Till then, move on...

First blog, in over a year..

Life, sometimes I wonder if it's worth living through it. Ever since I was a kid, I've always wondered how I would be like when I'm all grown up. And now that I am grown up, I wonder if I'll make enough for the next bill payments, the rentals, the loan repayment, whether I'll meet my socalled life-mate (yes, not soul mate), have kids, and finally whether I'll ever get to retire, and finally what will happen after I die. Wow.. big jump from idle fantasies to real time messes. I guess everybody makes that leap, some takes it on gradually, and other's its like a rude awakening. Looking back, mine was like a rude awakening cushioned by the help of friends who previously had they're own rude awakenings. Unfortunately, when i had my first solo encounter with "growing up", it ended up bad.. but I realised that it made me stronger than all other encounters I had before, with someone holding my hand and leading me slowly. I guess, the best way to learn, as all others have said is to just jump into the deep end of a pool... and try your best to swim out of it before you drown. On the way up, you'll definitely swallow more water, you'll gasp for air, you'll try to claw your way out.. sometimes you see a helping hand that pulls you out a little, sometimes not.. and when you finally do... it feels great to breath in fresh air again.. I'm glad I pulled through... but I have to give thanks to all the hands that were there... YY, BK, KM, DRK, R3BW, CW, KL peeps mommy, daddy, bro and all colleagues at work... i would've drowned, but you all just wouldn't let go... thank you, for not letting go.. now its my turn to return the deed to all out there.. for a good deed needs to be passed on.. and I guess, that's my reason for continuing living a somewhat meaningless life at times..

Friends from my past said that I have changed a lot. One was surprised that I'm not as ambitious as I was back in Ipoh. Heck, she was even more ambitious than me for that matter. Maybe I've mellowed, maybe I've finally found my priorities in life. I feel smug saying this but I feel at times that I've achieved a lot in the past 5 yrs that I never thought I would have accomplished. I've also learned that it's not how much you have, how famous you are, or how many people you have worhipping you that counts. It's how much you can care, love and help others that matters. Am I being to idealistic here? Maybe, maybe not. Think about it..give it thought. Is living forever that important? Is owning that next LV bag the next big thing in your life?... Or is putting a smile on someone else's face more fulfilling? Or is that warm rush of blood through your head when you love someone and that person loves you back feels better? I'd take the latter 2 options, anytime, anywhere.. hmm...yup...i've mellowed down... a lot :).. don't get me wrong, still not mature yet though... I'm still a kid inside..

Blogging @ work is fun...but it ends when lunch time is over.. hopefully this blog will last at least one post more than my last one (which was around 2 posts only)... ciao for now..